


We've All Lost Something

by myerscore



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Minor Boss appearances/mentions, Shooting Guns, but not more than kaz :), ocelot LOVES his gun as you know, probably later in the chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:07:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24619570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myerscore/pseuds/myerscore
Summary: Kaz is frustrated with his workload. Ocelot only wants to help him.He thinks Ocelot would never understand, but the two have a closer understanding of each other than they think.
Relationships: Kazuhira Miller/Ocelot
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

Something was up with Miller.  
It didn't seem to be his usual frustration with just about anything; he just seemed to be off lately. Now, usually Miller didn't let that sort of stress get to him. There are times, of course, but he wasn't a majorly confrontational man. It seemed that all he was doing lately was arguing with staff, arguing with Ocelot, and staying up late in his office.  
Ocelot himself wanted to help resolve this. Miller couldn't keep contending with staff. In this state, Miller was a quick-tempered man. It was out of character for him to be grappled this easily, so there wasn't exactly a right way to approach him.  
Ocelot managed to catch him in his office, one of his late-night bouts of work. He gently rapped on the door, and strode inside. Miller seemed up to his waist in paperwork, and he hunched over on his desk with a death grip on a mug of coffee. "Kaz?" he asked. At first, there was no response, but he turned his head in a sort of acknowledgement. "Ocelot." he said plainly. "What is it?" He turned, and it was obvious right away that he wasn't himself. He was struggling, of course, with constant physical training. He had to learn how to live without something he'd been with his entire life. It was so much harder for him to be a soldier, now. A chunk was missing from this finely oiled machine, and it showed.  
The man was clumsily shaved, his beret shoved off to one side, revealed unkempt blonde hair. His clothes were wrinkled, and his posture seemed to be all kinds of wrong. Ocelot sighed, and for a moment he felt saddened for his comrade. It was truly awful to see him in such disarray, and even worse trying to see him cope with the aftermath.  
"I suppose I needed to speak with you." Ocelot said, leaning on the frame of the door. Kaz tilted his head, turning around in his chair and slightly gesturing for Ocelot to come in.  
"What about? By god if it's more clientele, I might just rip my damn hair out." Kaz remarked, eyeing his paperwork from over his shoulder. Ocelot let out a sigh. "Not exactly." For a moment, he felt stuck. Voicing his concern was not something he did often.  
"Kaz… Have you been doing okay?" He settled on. For a moment, the other man seemed surprised. Ocelot could not see his eyes, but knew they were searching for a point of concern. "What do you mean?" Kaz rebutted.  
"There's…" He started, but promptly cut himself off. Kaz would never deny that something wasn't wrong- he knew that there was. He knew there were things missing, and there were no words for how he felt. He felt disgraced, beaten and flayed. All the hell in the world had applied to him, and yet he'd still come out of it unscathed. His comrades lost their lives. What did he lose? An arm? A leg? That was pitiful compared to the lives that were snuffed out on Mother Base. It was nothing. And he would never make up for it. All of this raced through his mind, a question he asked himself so many times that he couldn't answer.  
"There's nothing wrong. Not with me."  
Ocelot audibly scoffed. "Kaz. Do you hear yourself? I know it, and you do too. You haven't been yourself, have you?"  
He sat up in his chair. All Kaz felt as if he could do was stare. His racing thoughts were said out loud, and he hated it. "There's not a damn thing wrong with me, Ocelot!" He spat. "I'm a soldier. And what I've lost doesn't hold a single candle to what happened on Mother Base!"  
Kaz's rage-fuelled voice echoed throughout the halls as things escalated. He stood, steadying himself on the edge of his desk. "Do you understand it, Adam?" He asked, suddenly quieted. "The severity? What's happened to them?"  
"I do, Kaz. I know what's happened. But you've been hurt just as much as they have." Kaz shook his head, his face grimacing. "You can't say that. I've lost nothing. Not compared to what they have."  
Ocelot gripped him by the shoulder and turned him around, almost offsetting his balance. "Kaz. You know that you've been hurt. You have lost. But you can't keep living as if you haven't. We all lost something."  
Kaz looked at Ocelot. Maybe that was something he knew. Perhaps it was even something he could have told himself, but would never register. He felt something deep in the pit of his stomach, a tightly wound knot that hooked into him ever since he was rescued from the compound. It was draining him. It deprived him of his patience, his sense, his tolerance for even the smallest of things. It was not as if he'd never seen it before, but Ocelot had pointed it out to him.  
And it seemed as if he'd never noticed.  
Kaz leaned in, clasping his hand into Ocelot's clothes. The latter was surprised, Kaz not being a man for physical affection. Regardless, Ocelot held Kaz close.  
"I'm sorry." Kaz had whispered, his steady voice betraying his trembling demeanor. Ocelot did not respond, but gripped him slightly tighter. Once they broke, Kaz sat back onto his chair. He exhaled, deeply. "For all I say… Mother Base is my home." he started, staring blankly around the office, but his eyes never landed on Ocelot. "Losing that… It.. It fucked me up. And, and I'm still trying." He tried to continue, but Ocelot had waved him off. He crouched, sitting close to Kaz, trying his best to be reassuring.  
"It's human, you know?" he said. "To need that sort of help. Can't tell you how many people come back, just shaken by what's happened. And you, Kaz… You've gone through perhaps the worst of it." He put his hand, gingerly, on Kaz's shoulder. He closed his eyes. It wasn't something that went away, even with counselors, he felt, breathing down his back about it.  
Opening back up, he finally looked at Ocelot. His face was sturdy and surprisingly calming. Somehow, he felt as if Ocelot was right. Even though they were constantly at odds with each other, he trusted the man like nothing else. He thinks he would have waved even the Boss out at this point, but he wanted Ocelot to stay. He turned in his chair, Ocelot following suit, and they both stared comfortably out onto the darkened night sky.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ocelot learns what loving Miller might just entail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! this was a prompt from the metal gear summer games, to dig up an old wip and finish another chapter. I'm really happy with how it turned out, and how the games gave me some motivation to pick this lovely story back up <3

Today, Miller's schedule was a nice break from the mountain of paperwork from previous nights. He was re-learning how to shoot. Losing his dominant arm was a terrible blow; even though he had standard training with both arms when he joined the military. All sorts of things were thrown off, his balance, his aim, et cetera. Thus, he had to have a few training sessions to get back in the swing of using weaponry. Even though he wasn't much for the battlefield anymore, he would still make sure he knew what he was doing.  
He had changed into a comfortable cotton shirt and fatigue pants- although he was forced to kneel for most of the time, he hadn't been fitted for a prosthetic leg yet. In his arm he held a handgun, a flimsy thing that did nothing but jam, it seemed. Unbeknownst to him, Ocelot was watching a short distance away, and walked up to him from behind. While he knew the man was collected, he couldn't help but to have some fun, and he put his hand on Kaz's shoulder.  
Kaz immediately jumped, and almost fell over as he swivelled and put the barrel of the handgun directly between Ocelot's eyes. Realizing who it was, he immediately put down his gun and exhaled sharply. "Not funny, Adam." Kaz said, returning to his position. Ocelot watched as he shot, his hand wavering slightly. He let off another round, hitting the humanoid metal target squarely in the chest. "You know, if you just…" Ocelot said, as he wrapped his hand around Kaz's, and helped to steady his aim.   
Kaz looked over, slightly taken aback by the action. Ocelot was, of course, as calm as ever, and he stared down the target, waiting for Kaz to fire. He was very close now, standing almost flush with Kaz.   
He fired, this time hitting the target on its bull's-eye, right in the head. "Nice shot. You're pretty good." Ocelot said with satisfaction. He smiled at Kaz, who now had a red flush creeping up his face. "Am I standing too close?" Ocelot asked, surveying Kaz's face for a reaction.   
"No." he said, almost too quickly. "It's fine." Ocelot chuckled to himself. For being such a hardened soldier, it was no feat at all to make him red. He saw it happen quite often with the Boss, but he was always hidden with his sunglasses and thick facial hair. But here, clean-shaven and rid of his glasses, the blush was suddenly very noticeable.  
"Why don't you try this, next?" He reached for his holster, and pulled out a glimmering revolver. Of course he'd say that- the man practically was in love with his revolvers, the same one that gave him his famous codename way back in the Cold War. "It'll never jam on you. And there's nothing quite like the feeling…" Ocelot said, turning the gun around in his hand as he admired it. Kaz holstered the glock, and Ocelot slipped the revolver into his hand. It was heavy, and gleamed ever so slightly. As well as being expertly polished, Ocelot had always bragged about it being a remarkably smooth shot.  
He lined up his sights, with Ocelot still helping him steady. The gun shot fantastically- Ocelot wasn't embellishing that part- but Kaz was still trying to keep his mind off the man standing so close to him. Although his pride was strong, his mind faltered every so often.  
"Wonderful." Ocelot mused, and watched Kaz from his peripherals. He broke away, and suddenly that warmth wasn't there anymore. Kaz wasn't sure how to stand, and he felt awkward. He fiddled with his clothes for a moment before he decided to take a break. He walked over to the stairs and sat down, his cane besides him. He took out a pack of cigarettes, grabbing one with his teeth. He briefly searched for a light- but Ocelot was there again. "Here, let me." He flicked open his lighter, and leaned very close, cupping his hand as he lit Kaz's cigarette. He then lit one of his own, and sat down next to Kaz on the stairwell.   
They sat in silence for a while, until Kaz himself broke it.   
“What are you trying to get at, Ocelot?” He said, trying to be as stoic as possible in his questioning.   
“What about?” Ocelot asked. “I’m only here to help you, you know.” The man was perfect at hiding whatever it was that he was thinking about. Kaz wasn’t so suave.

“And you… you..” He fumbled over his words as he tried to understand just what this was all about. How he had been acting lately, talking to him, shooting with him? All quite unusual considering his character. “Forget it.” Kaz said, taking another drag from his cigarette.   
Ocelot leaned in closer. “Forget what? You know, if you’ve got something to say, you can say it.” At this point, he was just fucking with him. “Come on, Ocelot. You think I don’t know when i’m being hit on-” Kaz was cut off when Ocelot closed the distance between them. The smoke flowed past his lips, mingling with the smell of the cologne the man always wore. Kaz could barely snap his eyes back open when the kiss ended abruptly. Ocelot grinned smugly, seemingly satisfied with his advance. After coming back to, Kaz snatched his cigarette. “Hey, what-” Ocelot protested for a second before he had the tables turned on him, when Kaz returned the favor more passionately than before. He broke for just a moment, still with a grip on the man’s shirt. “Don’t think you know what you’ve got into here.” Kaz said. It was still true that he was a lover, and played just as hard as he worked. 

“You know, I don’t think I mind that.”


End file.
